Reflections on Patriarchy

At the time that I am writing this document, my daughter Graciela has been in the hospital for just over 3 weeks. She has Rett Syndrome and has had to have her gallbladder removed due to gallstones. Out of some complications with anesthesia, she has had a difficult road to recovery. She has many special needs, with a daily provider, a cute service dog, and a whole bunch of adaptive and medical equipment. Graciela has various medications, therapists, and doctors.

I also want to share that my wife Olivia has been on an exhausting journey with cancer. She had breast cancer, a double mastectomy, weeks of intense chemo-therapy, breast reconstruction surgery, a period of healing followed by another scare of remission, surgery for tumor removal, then radiation, and an allergic reaction to radiation all within the last couple of years. She has multiple regular scheduled doctor visits, a daily drug regimen, and hormone therapy shots.

We have 5 children with ages ranging from 23 to 7, each with very different physical, emotional, educational and intellectual needs. 4 girls and 1 boy.

Olivia is also the CEO of 2 of our companies, Cruz Ortiz Art,LLC and Burnt Nopal, LLC. She handles the overall direction and management of everything that is created in the studio. She also is an expert in networking and client relations. Olivia is well connected on the political scene in Texas. During the pandemic, Olivia has started to work on her own artwork, prolifically producing many abstract based works on paper and oil paintings.

I think about my wife and family all day and every day.

I consider myself a family man; until recently that has been challenged and gutted.

Miki Garcia asked me 2 years ago to become a part of the think tank style group analyzing and strategy building to dismantle white-supremacy in museums. After many meetings, retreats, and sessions we realized that there were different channels that had to be taken care of first; one of them being patriarchy.

Within this group, it has been a life changing journey. Not just the people I share the road with, but the eye opening that has been happening within my own personal life. I really thought I was doing good. I had it all figured out. That turns out to be completely wrong, I am a hot mess.

Patriarchy is so ingrained into my mind and body, it was mandated at the very early stages of my life. The more I learn about the positioning of patriarchy the more disgusted I am. It has become a reflex.

They say knowing is half the battle and this is not even close to the truth.

Knowing has been the pre-game to patriarchy. Men know, we know what we do. We know we cause harm. We know how to position ourselves within power. When we lose footing on power, we throw fits. Fits so dramatic that we lose control of any compassion.

We lie and we cheat so that we do not feel pain or fear. We avoid and block so that we do not have to address deeper cathartic resolutions. We are selfish, everything we do we do for ourselves, even when we are doing for others, we think about how it benefits us.

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The last three weeks I have been terrified. I have never felt so scared in my life. Graciela’s syndrome is progressive. Her time here with us is uncertain and limited. So this last hospital trip feels like shit. I am so fucking scared of losing my angel. This niña has taught me so much on how to be caring and loving. I don't know what I am going to do when she transfers to the cosmos.

Meanwhile, Olivia holds everything in place.

The two most fragile people in my world, hold my universe together. What does that say about me? That when all hell breaks loose, I fall apart. That's such men's bullshit. When the kitchen gets hot, we bail, and why?

Olivia has shown me so many times on how to be selfless and compassionate, and I thought that it was just who she was. I know now it was because I was not providing that for my family and that she had to do my part in ‘keeping it together’.

She does my part so many times.

Olivia has been working on ‘my projects’ while she has just supported me. In fact it wasn't until I met Olivia that my art career started, even though I had many museum shows before her. She made Cruz Ortiz.

She is tired.

I could go into all the things I do for my family, but I don't see why that would really matter now. Sierra, my oldest daughter recently moved back from her life in Austin. She came back home to take care of Olivia. I had to be told this, I didn't figure it out for myself. That Olivia does everything for me and our family, that Olivia needed help, because I wasn't filling Olivia’s cup.

In my mind, If I work, whether it is on our developing property or in the studio, that is enough for everyone to be happy. Because all the work turns into money, to provide the things necessary for us to live comfortably. I am a ‘man’! I "kill" for food so that everyone can survive. Is this how I show love? How is this love? How does this help my daughters want to be independent? How does this make Olivia feel like she has a partner? What is my definition of partner?

How has patriarchy crippled me into this mindless pinche burro?

In my mind, if I work, whether it is on our developing property or in the studio, that is enough for everyone to be happy. Because all the work turns into money, to provide the things necessary for us to live comfortably. I am a ‘man’, I kill for food so that everyone can survive. Is this how I show love? How is this love? How does this help my daughters want to be independent? How does this make Olivia feel like she has a partner? What is my definition of partner? How has patriarchy crippled me into this mindless pinche burro?

I have always thought that Olivia was my best friend. She is so fucking funny, like really really fucking funny. She is incredibly smart and a super fast thinker, like 10 miles ahead of everyone else. I always say she has this Coppola style mobster vibe that I find intriguing. But as we are going to celebrate our 10th anniversary, I am starting to rethink the ‘best friend’ thing.

Olivia is my partner and I need to be a better partner. Best friend feels like a toy you play with; a partner is an equal- we work together to make decisions for our shared lives. I feel like I have always known these things but never realized I was doing it wrong. In my mind I still play into patriarchy, I must provide, alone. I alone have to provide. The thing is I am not alone and I'm also not providing. I'm doing something else, which is actually not doing anything at all. I'm in the cycle —- in the cycle of patriarchy.

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So i'm seeing a therapist now once a week. I have been interviewing various people and friends to help me through this as coaches I can call on.

My Therapist suggested practicing some helpful tools such as keeping a mindfulness journal and practicing more gratitude or small joys everyday. I am also doing my best to do more self-care in my life, to get away from the expectations of Capitalism and ‘manhood’.

This is just the beginning of the journey to get me off this drug of patriarchy.

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I am an Artist; a heterosexual male identifying artist. If there is one field of study and practice that has been developed and benefited from patriarchy it is ART. So I have been reading more bios and catalogs on female artists. I have also been re-reading Gloria Anzaldua and other black/brown feminist writers. And i'm obsessed, with an open heart i'm recognizing so much that ive have overlooked and i feel like i'm starting to learn —- or relearn artworks made by women —and my mind is blown.